So I’m currently taking a class in school that’s testing my limits… the material itself, the amount of it, just everything. I was so excited to take this class because I thought it’d be super interesting.
This class is definitely not boring, but I realized it’s bringing up a lot of stuff from my past. I’m having memories from my childhood, from when I was a teenager, and also stuff is coming back up that I dealt with last year.
I HATE overthinking but that is what I do. I think it is interesting that I have to continually keep dealing with my past, letting go of shame and guilt, and forgiving myself and others. Going to school for a future in helping other addicts is, of course, going to bring up stuff.
I have noticed that in the almost 3 1/2 years that I’ve been clean, God has helped me deal with a lot of stuff, but not in any particular order. I feel like he knows my fragile heart and eases me into dealing with the past. Some things have been easy to move on from, but some require a lot more processing.
I’m reading “The Best Yes”, by Lysa Terkeurst, and it has been just what I’ve needed. It’s SO easy to talk about the past and how God redeemed and restored me. It’s not so easy to talk about current struggles and the fact that I still have no idea what I’m doing.
I guess I envision someone that’s successful in recovery/sobriety as someone who has dealt with their issues and moved on and now lives in peace… I know in my head that recovery is lifelong. But I get caught up in being “done”. Life is amazing and definitely not what it used to be, but I’m still not where I want to be.
I hate having to say I can’t do things or I’m not ready for certain situations because my past issues still affect me. So it’s not even like others are shaming me, but I do it to myself with my perfectionist, type-A personality.
I’m just grateful today that I can admit my struggles. I’m thankful I have safe people I can talk to and work through issues with. God knows just what I need before I know what I need!
We all live off his generous bounty,
gift after gift after gift.
We got the basics from Moses,
and then this exuberant giving and receiving,
This endless knowing and understanding—
all this came through Jesus, the Messiah.
No one has ever seen God,
not so much as a glimpse.
This one-of-a-kind God-Expression,
who exists at the very heart of the Father,
has made him plain as day.