I’m just going to be real with y’all… this week has been tough. Life and finals have not been a great combo. I believe in spiritual warfare and I feel like whenever anyone is trying to glorify God through crazy situations there is always opposition from the enemy.
I don’t usually have an issue with comparison. I mean, obviously it was a problem during my eating disorder. But I feel like this week it has been awful.
I’ve been stressed and vulnerable and just entertaining thoughts I shouldn’t. I’ve thought about the 5-6 years I wasted in my drug addiction that are just gone. My eating disorder that turned me into such a nasty, self-consumed person.
As much as I am thankful for where God has placed me and what he has brought me through, I also get sad about the past. I don’t talk about it much. I was joking about being homeless for a little bit and one of the people I was with had no idea that part of my life happened. Because I don’t talk about it.
I like to talk about the good things. Exciting things God is doing. New things. But I have to be honest about what has been going through my head to take the power away from it.
I guess I was going through a little bit of depression this week… thinking how my life could’ve been if I had made different choices, wanted help earlier, knew what would happen before I did certain things. But “what-ifs” don’t change anything.
I still encounter people that judge me and my relationship with God. Judge why I am only now in school at 26. So many things. I know it doesn’t matter because my only goal is to follow God, every step, every day. But I’ve just let a lot get to me this week.
I’m dealing with hurt from people also. I feel like God keeps sifting through my friends and acquaintances and I keep losing people. At the same time, the close relationships I have keep getting stronger, so I am thankful.
God totally just blows me away though. The people around me always say the right thing and love on me so much during difficult times and that encourages me so much. I got such a sweet letter from a long-distance friend that I needed so bad yesterday . I got to talk to two of my best friends yesterday and get to see another one today. My family is always there.
It’s just amazing that no matter how down I can feel, even when no one around me knows, HE knows and fulfills my heart. He speaks and loves through his word and others. I have just realized literally that everything passes. Feelings pass. Hurts grow less painful. Friendships grow stronger. And God, my savior, never changes.
After a tough week I’m feeling all the love and my heart is full. I’m so incredibly thankful that my God is so intimate and personal He would do all this for me.
1 John 4:7-19
My beloved friends, let us continue to love each other since love comes from God. Everyone who loves is born of God and experiences a relationship with God. The person who refuses to love doesn’t know the first thing about God, because God is love—so you can’t know him if you don’t love. This is how God showed his love for us: God sent his only Son into the world so we might live through him. This is the kind of love we are talking about—not that we once upon a time loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to clear away our sins and the damage they’ve done to our relationship with God.
My dear, dear friends, if God loved us like this, we certainly ought to love each other. No one has seen God, ever. But if we love one another, God dwells deeply within us, and his love becomes complete in us—perfect love!
This is how we know we’re living steadily and deeply in him, and he in us: He’s given us life from his life, from his very own Spirit. Also, we’ve seen for ourselves and continue to state openly that the Father sent his Son as Savior of the world. Everyone who confesses that Jesus is God’s Son participates continuously in an intimate relationship with God. We know it so well, we’ve embraced it heart and soul, this love that comes from God.
To Love, to Be Loved
God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we’re free of worry on Judgment Day—our standing in the world is identical with Christ’s. There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love.
[We, though, are going to love—love and be loved. First we were loved, now we love. He loved us first.]